Posted on 27-11-2012
Filed Under (Uncategorized) by Chloe Davies

Best Driving Excuses

A lady drove the wrong way up a one way street and then parked on double yellow lines.  When she came out of the shop, there was a policeman, notebook in hand.’ Do you realize what you have just done madam?’ the policeman said, as reeled of enough offences to have her banned from driving.

‘But you cannot book me officer’, she said.  The officer replied more intrigued than doubting his authority, ‘and why not? ‘Because’, the lady said, ‘my husband will beat me – AGAIN.’

I have to say quickly, that I know for a fact, that this lady’s husband is the most mild mannered and loving man you could meet (and its not me).  What I am searching for is the magic driving excuse but reversing the genders.  I cannot in all sincerity say to a police officer, ‘You cannot book because my wife will beat me’, or even ‘because my wife will nag me – again’.  It just does not carry these same Veritas when the genders are reversed.

Drive on….Classic Car Tale

A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems at the Day Centre coffee morning.

‘Do you realize,’ said one, ‘My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.’

‘Yes, I know.’ replied the second, ‘My cataracts are so bad I can’t see to pour the coffee.’

‘I can’t turn my head,’ rejoined the third, ‘because of the arthritis in my neck.’

‘My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,’ commented the fourth, adding, ‘I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old.’

‘Well, it’s not all bad.’ piped up the first, ‘We should be thankful that we can still drive.’

 

 

 A boy is walking along the road when a car pulls up alongside him. ‘If you get in my car,’ says the driver. ‘I’ll give you a bag of sweets.’ The boy ignores him. ‘Okay,’ says the driver. ‘Get in my car and you can have two bags of sweets and £5.’ The boy ignores him. ‘The driver says, ‘Listen, if you’ll just get in the car I’ll give you all the sweets you want and £20.’ The boy turns to the driver and says, ‘Dad, for the last time, I’m not getting into that Skoda.’

 

 

 

 

 

Five Irishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The gorgeous blonde Italian customs agent stops and tells them, “It’s illegal to put five people in a Quattro.”

“What do you mean it’s illegal?” asks the driver.

“Quattro means four,” replied the blonde.

“Quattro is just the name of the car,” the Irishman retorted in disbelief, “Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.”

“You can’t pull that one on me,” replies the Italian customs agent, “Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law”.

The driver replies angrily, “Brainless idiot! Call your supervisor over – I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”

“Sorry,” she said sweetly, “he can’t come right now. He’s busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”

 

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